i like to paint: Mai 2014

Mr. Hughes (Keane-drummer) - acrylics

Somehow I regret giving this painting away to Richard after the little special gig Keane played at The Forum in Tunbridge Wells, UK, 25.10.2013.

Though there´s this saying:

Everything happens for a reason.

Well, I never talked about it, but I think I should as I got really angry the other day and since giving it away in 2013 and now we have 2015, already and it still bothers me! That´s not healthy!
So I hope I can work out my anger, leave the bad energy behind me & move on.
Even nobody does care about it, except me, but it´s my life and writing might be a good way, sometimes, special if the soul bothers & I don´t have anyone to speak about this.

And if anyone should someday might read this and you´re a self-taught painter without a working brain like me, my advice is:

NEVER give your painting away unless you´re 1000% sure you won´t regret it!

So, why do I regret it?

It´s easy!
I got a stupid answer from Richard which did hurt me. Well, that´s my point of view!
No, it wasn´t that Richard didn´t liked it. I think I could have handled this as art in the end is a point of view & everybody has the right for different tastes. So, that would have been fine!
Sure, I would have been sad, but his answer he gave to me made me feel hurt and hate him.
But, I don´t like hate! Hate is really a waste of energy & life is too short for that. But life takes different paths as I´m wishing for as usual and I need to deal with it. Well, that´s a part of life I guess.

Ok, it´s probably all my fault! As I´m a Keane fan. If I wouldn´t be one I probably wouldn´t have painted him nor never gone so far to give Richard my painting with which I´m really pleased with.

So, what was his answer?

First part was fine. Richard told me he liked it. Yeah!
If I remember well, Richard was a bit amazed of it. So, if he would have stopped there I probably wouldn´t write my thoughts down, here.
But then he continued....
Richard told me he´ll give it to his wife so she won´t forget his face when he is not at home.
And with this sentence I felt as he stung me with an invisible sword into my belly and I immediately started to walk backwards away from him.

That sentence hurted me so much!
What an idiot!!!!
How & why could he gave me such an answer? What did I do to deserve this?
It hurted me so much!

Deep breathing in, holding a few seconds and breathing out, again....
Ok, enough of self-pity, moaning & anger and time to understand how & why I feel this way.
So, let me try to deal to understand why this sentenced caused me such pain.

I mean I know Richard is married, actually I saw him once when Pulp played in the 'little' Hyde Park in London (2011). I was hungry & wanted to search what I shall eat & suddenly he came with his girlfriend and bought food (at that time he wasn´t married I think) but I didn´t talk to them nor did I took pics of them. I could have act like a stalker but I didn´t. All I can say is Richard likes to keep a water bottle in the back of his jeans. I struggled what or if I should talk to him but after a while they went their way & I followed mine. I felt stupid. Probably I´m also quite an idiot, but that may be another story.

Well, before losing the point, so why am I hurt?

a) I´m teaching myself to paint!
b) I might be not talented but I like to paint, it´s real hard work for me!
c) special, if I´m pleased with one (like this one)!
d) I felt like Richard treated me as if I had asked him out for a date or molested into this direction, which wasn´t the case!
e) it´s not easy for me to get a good painting as I already wrote & clearly I didn´t paint it for his wife!
f) before I gave him the painting another fan was showing her Keane tattoo to him which she has on her hips or in a near region somewhere, there....
g) so I think that girl before me turned him somehow on & as we know men can´t really think clear all the time....
h) it was too much for him & gave me this stupid answer he should have given to the half naked fan before!
i) probably I was at the wrong time at the wrong place
j) that´s only a try of logic thinking
k) though it doesn´t change much, it´s disgusting! (still my anger, there...!)
l) maybe I´m also jealous he was fine with the half naked fan before me & didn´t mentioned his wife to her. Why not to her, too? She did undress her a bit to show him her whatever...
m) maybe I should´ve undressed myself, too? It could have helped! Men are easy to manipulate, eh?
n) but that´s not my style
o) or he didn´t liked my painting at all, but didn´t wanted to be honest & favoured an inappropiate answer.....
p) I still think I didn´t deserved this answer!
q) anger appears when someone ( in this case me) feels treated wrongly
r) I´m not willing to take the point of view of a male popstar surrounded by female fans

Ergo (women logic):

WHAT AN IDIOT!!!!

Finally, I came to the conclusion to try to think positive. Phew!
I should feel honoured Richard wanted to give my painting to his wife so she gets reminded of him by my painting when he is away (maybe cylcling, climbing or coffee drinking, etc.). If that´s true & I won´t add more thoughts into this sentence!

Still, cleary I say if you give someone a gift you don´t want to hear they like it but then they tell you they will give it away. That makes no sense! Besides if you give a gift a person of course they can do whatever with it but does it really need to be mentioned? That´s just a harsh behaviour of Richard like telling me he hates me without saying the verb hate!

I hope with this writing on my blog I´ll move on!

But I´m also writing it now down as some few days ago I got that memories back & got an emotional breakdown and tweeted to Richard I hate him & he is a sucker.

Bizarrely after my insulting tweet he answered me & apologised even he didn´t know what for.

I can´t blame him for not remembering. It was a busy night lots of fans wanting the recognition of their favorite band or whatever and besides some years passed already.
But how should I put all this words in a 140 characters limited tweet?

And is it worth letting Richard all this know?
But he asked me, so maybe.
Actually everything is always a matter of the point of view.
Probably if I would be in his position he did nothing wrong (except his answer he will give my gift for him to somebody other).
But I can´t deny it those words did hurt me - in my position.
Besides English isn´t my native language & I´m also not good with words.
So, I didn´t give him a good answer back. Instead of all I took all the blame on me.

I mean in the end it´s pointless and at this moment I don´t understand anything anymore.

If I would be a psychologist I would advise to myself:

be honest with myself! Probably I like Richard more than I thought & he still matters somehow something to me. Richard might be in general a polite person but I felt unfair treated at that moment and that´s why I felt furious, angry & a bit jealous like that.
I mean there´s no point to leave me with this feeling as I would be a bitch by simple giving him a painting of mine! If I would have done other things like starting flirting, touching being hysterical giving him my phone number, whatever, then there would be a reason.
But this? Just giving him a painting! No way!

Well, the lesson I´ve learned is if I´m pleased with a painting of a popular person and have the chance to meet that person:

it´s better to let it sign & keep it as a good memory as you never know what answer will be given.
Probably, I had forgotten the risk to get hurt or thought I can deal it anyway as sometimes you have to take risks in life.

Failures makes us more grow.
As long as we stand up and move along after the lesson I´ve learned, again.
But actually it´s wiser to reduce risks in life.
But actually, too, I´m not sure if I´m a wiser person now and learned my lesson. Hopefully!
But I think I feel better and clearer now and more peaceful, again.

Maybe the lesson is just:

Nobody is perfect!

I shouldn´t take myself too serious but also shouldn´t deny myself & find the right balance?
Shit happens, move on, thanks for the lesson!
After the rain comes the sun.
That´s all!

Ps: I started a new painting & if it goes nicely along as till now, I know the title already:
The Two Dicks. Yeah, it´s quite an intellectual title!

Maybe a creative output is the best way to deal with it for me!

(edit: 18.01.2015)

just wanted to add my Twitter conversation with Richard.

So, here´s the screenshot:

by the way I later send him a link to this blog with my answer as I really couldn´t put that only in an 140 character limited tweet.
But Richard never replied.

Says all?!
I mean he asked me what happened, so he wanted to know but actually, he didn´t wanted to know. What a fake guy! And I gave him another chance, why am I still stupid?

How could I have been that stupid?

By the way my painting called ' The Two Dicks' is mostly finished.
(Richards nickname is dick, so ...)

I know I did signed it already, but maybe in the future I need to correct the light & colour structure of the hair & the beard & I´m still not really pleased with the eyes of the penis, if I´m in the right mood for it, I´ll do it.

Acrylics

(edited: 12.02.2015)

i like to paint

Dienstag, 20. Mai 2014

Keane as The Simpsons - watercolours

Richard Hughes - acrylics

Mr. Spock

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